A Moment

Loneliness as a wife and mother is different than any other kind. Your world is constantly crowded with schedules, voices, and leaving the leftover space to a time when you really don't want to be alone at all. All the years you spent without them, just seem to be a waste of collected moments. In the tight breaths of chaos when you think you need to break away, you can't imagine your life without them. As if the chaos is simply the feeling of perpetually playing catch up for all the minutes you threw away. The hope, the light, at the end of the tunnel, are those pauses when it all finally comes together. Everything seems to click, as if each member is a gear, keyed in, and pushing the other forward. They are my world and forever keep me going. They are.

Awaken

There are times it seems like the older I get the less creative I feel. Where rearranging your furniture seems like your only artistic highlight for the month. Once you have kids, at first,  you still try to cling to the idea that you can fully be who you were before them. But you can't. It's not a matter of loss or gain, negative or positive, but more so of an understanding that they are an extension of yourself. Children cannot fully see they, too, are indeed the best and worst things of their parents and will spend so much time fighting the inner threads that make up themselves. They will waste so much breath cursing the things they hate, when it's the very things that cause themselves to lash out. The wall of a full perspective and maturity has yet to fall within the first couple decades of a child's life.

Imagine you are driving down the road at night, only your headlights to illuminate your path. The world around you is merely a blurred and heavy outline of something that your mind cannot fully form. It's not good or bad, just unknown.  Once you have children you are suddenly driving down that same road on a painfully bright mid-noon day. The once heaviness is translated into a crisp green line where the trees meet the sky. Your perspective of everything is almost too bright to give you a full focus. But once you have it, once you are able to see that little person is a magnified version of yourself, you'll then be able to look at your parents and grandparents. You'll be able to see that the life was once lived was only twenty feet outside yourself. You will look at all the time you wasted and the moments you threw away trying to be lost in "discovery."

The beautiful thing is deep down they were already there, simply waiting for their divine appointment. Waiting to come into your world and shake it to your very core. Mistakes are then erased because you are her complete world. Who needs to be creative when you are everyday someone's hero.